The Last 2 Years ~ Part 8

And then, the storm passed. The Lord brought us the deliverance we had been praying for. My nausea went away around 20 weeks. I had always loved being pregnant, even through the debilitating sickness, exhaustion and sciatic nerve pain, but I was finally able to really enjoy pregnancy at this point.

I mentioned earlier that one of the reasons we chose to move to Riverside was for the potential for Kevin to work for him family business. We knew this is where we wanted to end up long term, and prayed that a way would be provided for him to be taken on full-time.

Kevin had only worked at Ryder for 3 months. I am constantly shocked at this fact. Sometimes when you're  so thick in the fog of trial that you can't see any escape of hope, you feel like you've been in the same spot, stagnant forever. But when you come out on the other side surviving, it can feel like it was just a breath. It's amazing what hairball to your perception of time when your trials have no end date.

We knew that in order for Kevin to get to work for the family business (a company making and supplying chicken feed to California egg ranches, fyi), someone would have to retire, and that seemed to be years away. But we just kept praying, and though it seemed unlikely, anything is possible for the Lord. Kevin started working at the Mill in late winter of 2014.

So life continued. My belt grew bigger and Kevin was predictably home by 5:15 daily. We prayed and prepared for the biggest change in our lives: Baby Hudson.

That pretty much catches things up to the now (minus Baby's birth story... coming next).

The Last 2 Years ~ Part 7

Kevin's job was stressful. He would work long days, and with a traffic-filled commute, he sometimes would be gone 12 hours a day, and I never knew exactly when he would be home.

In addition to this, I had morning sickness, which is really a horrible name for the all-day-all-night nausea I felt. I never actually threw up, but I wanted to constantly. I assumed throwing up would being some measure of relief, even if temporary. Nothing brought relief. I had a hard time standing and eating.

I remember feeling like a horrible wife when Kevin would come home to me on the couch, green in the face, with the lunch I couldn't get myself to eat still on the coffee table, dishes and laundry undone. I felt so miserable.

What's worse, Kevin would come home so stressed about work. It consumed him. He was so miserable.

When you're husband is stressed and pushed to his limit, all you want as a wife is to provide him with a home that brings him peace and calm. I hated not being physically able to do that. I wished I could just remove the stress, but getting through my own day physically was more than i could handle.

We barely talked about the baby, but it was all I ever thought about. Sometimes in a dreamy, excited way, but really, for the first 14 weeks, in a panicked, "Lord, please keep this baby growing inside me!" Way.

Things with Kevin's job got worse and worse. I continued to feel physically defeated, and worried about what life with a newborn alone for 12 hours and a stressed husband would be like.

We prayed. We prayed so much for deliverance. We trusted in the Lord's perfect plan.

But I continued to be debilitatingly sick, and Kevin continued to be completely overwhelmed and consumed at work.

The Last 2 Years ~ Part 6

Kevin was at work, and I grabbed one of the many dollar store pregnancy tests I had stashed in my drawer. Two lines. Two pink lines.

I looked in the mirror, eyes filled with tears and yelled to myself, "You're pregnant!" I had never before felt such a sense of being in exactly the place I was supposed to be. My life calling was about to finally begin.

I told Kevin basically as he was walking through the door that night, and there was much rejoicing to the Lord.

But it was a difficult start to the pregnancy.

The Last 2 Years ~ Part 5

As always, the Lord was in control. He is in all circumstances, whether trial or blessing. I began to...function. As most woman do. Well, about every two months, but more than never, so a miracle for me.

In October 2013 our favorite house accepted our offer, and we began making plans for our move. We decided to move as soon as Kevin found a new job. I broke the news to my students' parents and left another job due to a move. Story of my resume. Kevin found a job in December working for Ryder as a Supply Chain Engineer. We sold most of what we had and moved out over the course of two weekends, maybe three.

We had been trying to conceive for about 4 months. I'm not sure why I wasn't looking for a job yet. God is in control.

Though I was prepared for a long journey of trying to have children, and 4 months is absolutely NOTHING when it comes to most journeys of trying to conceive, the emotions of it really hit me in December. I remember sitting with my mother-in-law, making peanut butter balls to bring to the neighbors for Christmas, with tears streaming down my face the whole time thinking of my unmet desire rather than the joy of this family tradition. I knew it was wrong, but I felt resentful toward Kevin for making me wait when I knew this would be a long process. I had waited 2 years just to get the green light to start trying, and now I was having to wait even more.

Kevin and I decided against gifts that year, and everything felt so empty. My womb. Gift boxes. Spare bedrooms in our house. At times, my arms.

I trusted, prayed and cried.

I remember one day driving home from spending time with my mom and sisters in Orange County. December 20th, 2013. My seat belt felt tight and my tummy felt big.  I thought maybe I should start running again. A car in front of me stopped quickly and I felt a sense of protection that was more intense than anything I'd ever felt before as I slammed on my brakes. I can't explain the mama bear sensation that came over me.

I determined I would take a pregnancy test when I got home.

The Last 2 Years ~ Part 5

In August 2013 we started house hunting and broke the news to my mom that we would be looking for a home in Riverside, exclusively. She was filled with grace and understanding, and came alongside us on many weekends to help us look for a place.

One day, Kevin peeked in my make up room (yes, not having any children in a 3 bedroom house meant I had a room entirely dedicated to doing my make up) and he casually asked if I thought it might be time to go off birth control, since buying a house seemed around the corner.  I joyfully agreed and praised the Lord, but also braced myself for the journey I was convinced was ahead.

But something different happened.

The Last 2 Years ~ Part 4

In June 2013 I accepted a permanent teaching position at a small Christian preschool, and life continued for a few months. Then Kevin felt he had grown all he possibly could working for Robinson Helicopter, and we watched as the housing market began to ever so slowly climb. It seemed like the right time to both find a new job and buy a house.

I remember one Sunday evening, driving back to South Bay LA after spending the weekend in Riverside with Kevin's family. I don't remember who brought it up. It almost seemed simultaneous. But somehow we started talking about moving to Riverside. The house would be cheaper. We could be near Kevin's family. Kevin could work for the family  business. We could never have to move again. We would actually be closer to my family, but my mother could be crushed. Even with all the positives associated with moving to Riverside, thoughts of my mom feeling like we chose Kevin's family over her encouraged us to keep things quiet.

We continued saving and working and trusting the Lord, and also browsing Riverside home listings.

I kept waiting, begging, crying, and praying for children, all the while thinking of my body that had proved lacking in one of the major necessary components for bearing children. I prepared myself for what the journey could look like when Kevin was ready.

The Last 2 Years ~ Part 3

I aplied to all kinds of jobs. But the only, ONLY jobs I heard any response back from were preschool jobs. You see, most of my experience is in teaching preschool, and my degree is Psychology and Child Development. But I didn't want to teach preschool anymore. It's a hard job. The days long, the pay low, the benefits non-existant.

And yet, this was the Lord's best for me. I worked in long and short term sub positions from January 2013 until June 2013. Kevin and I continued saving to buy a home, meeting with our church group and visiting family as often as possible.

I also continued begging Kevin to start trying for kids. I've expressed in past posts about how being a mother is all I've ever wanted to do with my life, and during these years I felt like I was searching for some sort of next best career to fill my time with. But he didn't want to consider having children until we had bought a house to bring them home to, and he was right.

But it was hard to live with. At this point in my life, I really wasn't functioning the way a woman should function. I never really had. So for me, the idea of starting to try to have kids was just getting the ball rolling on what I was convinced would be a long, painful process that inevitably ended with us adopting. But instead I waited, and cried, and prayed.

The Last 2 Years ~ Part 2

Kevin and I began to fight about the business. A lot. Though I should preface that with the fact that I have a very empathic and calm husband, so "fighting" is more like "serious discussions". His heart was for me to take on a job with a reliable paycheck, and he was right. But I had felt so burnt out by my last job. So used and undervalued and squeezed in every way that I wanted to be my own boss. I was willing to give up everything for that, but not my marriage. And one night after a particularly difficult conversation with Kevin, I went out for a walk. I'm not proud to admit I was steaming. And then, through the wise words of my mother on the other end of the phone, the Lord spoke truth to me and changed the whole situation.

"Is this business more imporant than your marriage?"

I came back inside humbled and repentant, and God restored what my pride had been ripping apart.

I began the next day looking for a job, and God displayed his good and perfect plan and control once again.

The Last 2 Years ~ Part 1

Tonight, or I suppose now this morning (it's hard to keep track anymore), I had the urge to write a blog entry. But guilt tapped on my shoulder, reminding me that it has been over 2 years since I've written a post on this blog, and I can't just start with the now and skip over everything that happened in the middle.

I thought about starting a new blog. Toyed with the idea of deleting all my old posts and beginning fresh. But then I read through those old posts, and though they annoyed me and often made me cringe, they are a genuine representation of our early days and months. Destroying them would be destroying a piece of history that I could never retrieve.

And I want this blog to be genuine, even if that wasn't my highest intention before. So instead, they remain, and I will attempt to quickly update all that has happened so I may begin writing in the moment again.

Last I wrote, Kevin and I were starting an interior organizing business. I had so much fun with it. Well, with the concept of it. I loved designing the logo, making business cards, setting up my office, and spending hours of "research" time in The Container Store.

I continued my nanny job, but we moved to a town father away to live in a house, and the drive became horrible. I would get home with usually less than an hour before Kevin went to bed, and it was so difficult.

Moving in to our house in San Pedro, Ca

Plus the job was extremely hard on me emotionally. So because children were involved, I gave the family about 4 months to adjust and find someone for me to train before leaving. I ended that job in October of 2012 with the intention of taking on Grace Interior Organizing full time.
I continued to work on marketing materials for the company and did organizing projects for family and friends. It's hard for me still to sort through exactly what happened next, but I know the Lord is sovereign, and it was for my good, even if I don't understand or, truthfully, remember how it came to pass.

To be continued...