The Last 2 Years ~ Part 6

Kevin was at work, and I grabbed one of the many dollar store pregnancy tests I had stashed in my drawer. Two lines. Two pink lines.

I looked in the mirror, eyes filled with tears and yelled to myself, "You're pregnant!" I had never before felt such a sense of being in exactly the place I was supposed to be. My life calling was about to finally begin.

I told Kevin basically as he was walking through the door that night, and there was much rejoicing to the Lord.

But it was a difficult start to the pregnancy.

The Last 2 Years ~ Part 5

As always, the Lord was in control. He is in all circumstances, whether trial or blessing. I began to...function. As most woman do. Well, about every two months, but more than never, so a miracle for me.

In October 2013 our favorite house accepted our offer, and we began making plans for our move. We decided to move as soon as Kevin found a new job. I broke the news to my students' parents and left another job due to a move. Story of my resume. Kevin found a job in December working for Ryder as a Supply Chain Engineer. We sold most of what we had and moved out over the course of two weekends, maybe three.

We had been trying to conceive for about 4 months. I'm not sure why I wasn't looking for a job yet. God is in control.

Though I was prepared for a long journey of trying to have children, and 4 months is absolutely NOTHING when it comes to most journeys of trying to conceive, the emotions of it really hit me in December. I remember sitting with my mother-in-law, making peanut butter balls to bring to the neighbors for Christmas, with tears streaming down my face the whole time thinking of my unmet desire rather than the joy of this family tradition. I knew it was wrong, but I felt resentful toward Kevin for making me wait when I knew this would be a long process. I had waited 2 years just to get the green light to start trying, and now I was having to wait even more.

Kevin and I decided against gifts that year, and everything felt so empty. My womb. Gift boxes. Spare bedrooms in our house. At times, my arms.

I trusted, prayed and cried.

I remember one day driving home from spending time with my mom and sisters in Orange County. December 20th, 2013. My seat belt felt tight and my tummy felt big.  I thought maybe I should start running again. A car in front of me stopped quickly and I felt a sense of protection that was more intense than anything I'd ever felt before as I slammed on my brakes. I can't explain the mama bear sensation that came over me.

I determined I would take a pregnancy test when I got home.

The Last 2 Years ~ Part 5

In August 2013 we started house hunting and broke the news to my mom that we would be looking for a home in Riverside, exclusively. She was filled with grace and understanding, and came alongside us on many weekends to help us look for a place.

One day, Kevin peeked in my make up room (yes, not having any children in a 3 bedroom house meant I had a room entirely dedicated to doing my make up) and he casually asked if I thought it might be time to go off birth control, since buying a house seemed around the corner.  I joyfully agreed and praised the Lord, but also braced myself for the journey I was convinced was ahead.

But something different happened.

The Last 2 Years ~ Part 4

In June 2013 I accepted a permanent teaching position at a small Christian preschool, and life continued for a few months. Then Kevin felt he had grown all he possibly could working for Robinson Helicopter, and we watched as the housing market began to ever so slowly climb. It seemed like the right time to both find a new job and buy a house.

I remember one Sunday evening, driving back to South Bay LA after spending the weekend in Riverside with Kevin's family. I don't remember who brought it up. It almost seemed simultaneous. But somehow we started talking about moving to Riverside. The house would be cheaper. We could be near Kevin's family. Kevin could work for the family  business. We could never have to move again. We would actually be closer to my family, but my mother could be crushed. Even with all the positives associated with moving to Riverside, thoughts of my mom feeling like we chose Kevin's family over her encouraged us to keep things quiet.

We continued saving and working and trusting the Lord, and also browsing Riverside home listings.

I kept waiting, begging, crying, and praying for children, all the while thinking of my body that had proved lacking in one of the major necessary components for bearing children. I prepared myself for what the journey could look like when Kevin was ready.

The Last 2 Years ~ Part 3

I aplied to all kinds of jobs. But the only, ONLY jobs I heard any response back from were preschool jobs. You see, most of my experience is in teaching preschool, and my degree is Psychology and Child Development. But I didn't want to teach preschool anymore. It's a hard job. The days long, the pay low, the benefits non-existant.

And yet, this was the Lord's best for me. I worked in long and short term sub positions from January 2013 until June 2013. Kevin and I continued saving to buy a home, meeting with our church group and visiting family as often as possible.

I also continued begging Kevin to start trying for kids. I've expressed in past posts about how being a mother is all I've ever wanted to do with my life, and during these years I felt like I was searching for some sort of next best career to fill my time with. But he didn't want to consider having children until we had bought a house to bring them home to, and he was right.

But it was hard to live with. At this point in my life, I really wasn't functioning the way a woman should function. I never really had. So for me, the idea of starting to try to have kids was just getting the ball rolling on what I was convinced would be a long, painful process that inevitably ended with us adopting. But instead I waited, and cried, and prayed.

The Last 2 Years ~ Part 2

Kevin and I began to fight about the business. A lot. Though I should preface that with the fact that I have a very empathic and calm husband, so "fighting" is more like "serious discussions". His heart was for me to take on a job with a reliable paycheck, and he was right. But I had felt so burnt out by my last job. So used and undervalued and squeezed in every way that I wanted to be my own boss. I was willing to give up everything for that, but not my marriage. And one night after a particularly difficult conversation with Kevin, I went out for a walk. I'm not proud to admit I was steaming. And then, through the wise words of my mother on the other end of the phone, the Lord spoke truth to me and changed the whole situation.

"Is this business more imporant than your marriage?"

I came back inside humbled and repentant, and God restored what my pride had been ripping apart.

I began the next day looking for a job, and God displayed his good and perfect plan and control once again.

The Last 2 Years ~ Part 1

Tonight, or I suppose now this morning (it's hard to keep track anymore), I had the urge to write a blog entry. But guilt tapped on my shoulder, reminding me that it has been over 2 years since I've written a post on this blog, and I can't just start with the now and skip over everything that happened in the middle.

I thought about starting a new blog. Toyed with the idea of deleting all my old posts and beginning fresh. But then I read through those old posts, and though they annoyed me and often made me cringe, they are a genuine representation of our early days and months. Destroying them would be destroying a piece of history that I could never retrieve.

And I want this blog to be genuine, even if that wasn't my highest intention before. So instead, they remain, and I will attempt to quickly update all that has happened so I may begin writing in the moment again.

Last I wrote, Kevin and I were starting an interior organizing business. I had so much fun with it. Well, with the concept of it. I loved designing the logo, making business cards, setting up my office, and spending hours of "research" time in The Container Store.

I continued my nanny job, but we moved to a town father away to live in a house, and the drive became horrible. I would get home with usually less than an hour before Kevin went to bed, and it was so difficult.

Moving in to our house in San Pedro, Ca

Plus the job was extremely hard on me emotionally. So because children were involved, I gave the family about 4 months to adjust and find someone for me to train before leaving. I ended that job in October of 2012 with the intention of taking on Grace Interior Organizing full time.
I continued to work on marketing materials for the company and did organizing projects for family and friends. It's hard for me still to sort through exactly what happened next, but I know the Lord is sovereign, and it was for my good, even if I don't understand or, truthfully, remember how it came to pass.

To be continued...